If the opening to Arc VII is not published by this Friday in time for the Champion recruitment post, I hereby pledge that I will instead upload a video of the opening acted out by myself with sock puppets which I will make.
Here is the draft script.
An extra-bright lamp indicates the Shuriman sun.
PILTOVIAN SOLDIERS IN SHURIMA: hottest day yet, swear on me mum
SOLDIER: u wot m8
SOLDIER: u remember when current events current events backstory exposition backstory?
SOLDIER: ya but backstory exposition alternative exposition
CAITLYN: im just 1 of u lol
SOLDIER: r u taking the piss m8
CAITLYN: ya lol better than u in every way
SOLDIER: hooray classism
CAITLYN: fancy party tonite, u lot stay outside, you’ll steal silverware
SOLDIER: haha k
SOLDIER: why look its the airship with the VIPs on its way
CAITLYN: subtle segues are best segues
Katarina and Talon go hunting for artifacts in Shurima, because exposition Nyroth tie-in exposition backstory setup foreshadowing exposition.
KATARINA: You know, Talon, it seems like I get comically beaten up or killed in every cinematic so far.
TALON: Why are you telling m—
KATARINA: Getting real sick of it, Talon.
KATARINA: That’s why you’re here. If anyone gets comedically beat up this time, or almost gets, say, their crotch stabbed by an angry cat who also looks like the Predator, it’ll be you.
TALON: My life for House DuCouteau. :\
KATARINA: Your crotch, anyway.
TALON: (without visible excitement) Why, look, it’s the oasis on the map.
KATARINA: It’s beneath the water, right? Hugs and shunpo time!
TALON AND KAT SHIPPERS: WOOOOOOO
EZREAL: Yikes! Noxians!
KAT: SHUNPO FACESTAB
EZREAL: Mega Man blink-dodge!
TALON: Could just bring down the whole cavern. Take the artifact for myself. “Sorry, sir, there was nothing I could do. Just collapsed,” I’d tell them.
EZREAL: Get equipped with SHURIMAN MAGIC!
KATARINA: That almost hit me in the crotch! TALON!
EZREAL: Pew pew pew pew!
TALON: There goes my favorite lung.
KATARINA: You haven’t seen the last of us!
Sivir and Azir talk in the ruins of the ancient capital.
AZIR: I shall deliver the petition personally. A new era begins for Shurima.
SIVIR: Swain is going to hold you upside down by your ankles and shake until the feathers and loose change stop falling.
AZIR: I would like to modify my plan to prevent that from happening.
SIVIR: Sure. Did you know it’s easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission? Especially if you’re begging forgiveness for something like, I don’t know, “I’m sorry I just pulled out a knife and pressed it against your stomach, can you possibly forgive me so that I don’t have to shove it in there real good?”
AZIR: Once I could enjoy metaphors. But my Ascended form has rendered that simple act of wordplay forever lost to me.
SIVIR: It’s more of an analogy. But anyway, raise the Sun Disc, I’ll get some angry mercs in here, we’ll brawl with Noxus, you and Nasus and Renekton do your bold-italic-allcaps shouting thing a few times, the League freaks out, your petition gets heard.
AZIR: I have an idea. Do you recall exposition backstory backstory exposition Nyroth backstory?
SIVIR: Well, sure, recap recap backstory.
AZIR: You are mistaken, young Sivir. Backstory backstory exposition.
SIVIR: Whoa. This might actually work.
On board the Piltovian airship.
GALIO: I look quite the debonair in this outfit.
SUMMONER 501ST BIG MIKE: omg omg omg omg omg
GALIO: Let me just adjust this bowtie.
MIKE: No, sir! Allow me!
VIP GUESTS: We sure are from a lot of different countries. It’s almost like we aren’t all always trying to murder each other.
SUMMONER JEFF GOLDBLUM: You’re all insane. Your scientists were so obsessed with whether or not they could, that they didn’t—
BANDLE CITY LUNAR BASE: Uhhhhh. Guuuuuuys. Problem. Biiiig problem.
SUMMONER JEFF GOLDBLUM: It’s just like that thing with the droplet of water and the back of your hand!
SUMMONER LADY: Yeah, um, I missed most of that explanation. I was too busy being sketched out.
(The Floating Pyramids fall. The Sun Disc rises. The airship’s pyrikhos engines fail. The airship crash lands near the governor’s mansion.)
RENEKTON: WARBHL GHARBL
SHURIMAN REBELS: Screw you Pilts! Also, as Renekton says, WARBHL GHRBL
PILTOVIAN SOLDIERS: Bloody hell!
PILTOVIAN SOLDIERS: Stiff upper lip!
PILTOVIAN SOLDIERS: Remain calm and carry on!
PILTOVIAN SOLDIERS: Run away too, yes?
PILTOVIAN SOLDIERS: Right good idea, that. Tally-ho!
JAYCE: I’m not British. Are you British?
VI: Nah. But I might be from Zaun. Or something? It was really unclear.
CAITLYN: Why are you all looking at me? Run!
SHURIMAN REBELS: WARBL GARBL
High Councilor Vessaria Kolminye, at the Institute of War.
SUMMONER: Hey, do you remember The West Wing?
KOLMINYE: No. Nobody does.
SUMMONER: Great. Let’s walk-and-talk.
KOLMINYE: It’s three in the morning, but alright.
SUMMONER: We’ve got a Shuriman situation.
KOLMINYE: Noxus and Piltover have been eying each other for months. It was a matter of time.
SUMMONER: Not that kind of Shuriman situation.
SECOND SUMMONER: (joining walk-and-talk) Maybe that, too.
SUMMONER: (handing Kolminye a dossier) This is Azir. Champion of the League. Self-proclaimed Emperor of—
KOLMINYE: I know who Azir is.
SUMMONER: You’re interrupting my patter. So, self-proclaimed Emperor. Resurrected about 10 years ago under mysterious circumstances. Intel says he’s been roaming the deserts gathering support among the nomadic shamans and chieftains.
KOLMINYE: Yes. We assumed he wasn’t getting anywhere, because he didn’t really have anything to bargain with.
SUMMONER: Right. He wasn’t. Which is why he joined the League.
KOLMINYE: Cut to the chase. This segment hasn’t been funny since the walk-and-talk reference.
SUMMONER: Let’s sit down with the Joint Chiefs. We’ll need your hexprint.
KOLMINYE: We don’t have Joint Chiefs. This is the League of Legends. I’m not the President.
SUMMONER: Why look at this room with a long table and lots of chairs filled with important-looking people!
COUNCILORS: Azir’s raised the Sun Disc. He fought back the initial Noxian attack. Meanwhile, Renekton took a bunch of crazies and beat up Piltover.
KOLMINYE: Do you really need Renekton to do that?
COUNCILORS: That joke is so 24 CLE.
KOLMINYE: Fine. Continue.
COUNCILORS: We should intervene.
KOLMINYE: Are you kidding? We just humiliated Jarvan III and Demacia. They’ll be pouting for weeks. Exposition backstory exposition world-building exposition.
COUNCILORS: Yeah, you’re right. Guess we better just get ready to deal with the fallout.
Everything changes when the Noxians attack.
GENERALS: Cassiopeia! We are getting pwned out here.
GENERALS: Well. Relatively speaking. We were just planning to axe some Shuriman sentries in the face, then hold Azir upside-down by his ankles and—
GENERALS: Pretty bad. Someone yelled, “JAFFA! KREE!” or something, and then lasers started shooting everywhere, and some of our mages had their flesh melt off like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
CASSIOPEIA: Hmm. As I expected.
GENERALS: As you expected? I thought you were less of a sociopath than the other DuCouteaus.
CASSIOPEIA: The word sociopath is overused. I’m really just kind of deranged from being turned into a snake because FREAKING SHURIMAN MERCENARIES AND THEIR BOOMERANG SWORDS AND WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT I GOT CHOMPED ON BY A GIANT SNAKE STATUE FROM THE WAIST DOWN DO I NEED TO DRAW A PICTURE I HAD MY CROTCH IN THE MOUTH OF A GIANT SNAKE AND I WAS LIKE WELL SO NOW THIS IS HAPPENING
KATARINA: You should have brought Talon. Anyway, orders?
CASSIOPEIA: (takes a refreshing sip of coconut water) So our next job is to politically outmaneuver a semi-divine apparently flightless bird. Sounds doable.
DARIUS: Hey, sorry I’m late. So. Killing Azir, yeah?
CASSIOPEIA: Nope. Tell the League delegates to stop blocking the petition and peace edict. Let’s take this to the Fields.
CASSIOPEIA: I mean, come on. What are the odds that Azir can beat us on the Fields of Justice?
(Crickets chirp ominously.)
CASSIOPEIA: Wait. All those Summoners who fought for Zaun and Bilgewater. … where are they?
On the magical island of Aeaea.
BILGEWATER SUMMONERS: Oh, hey, I hear there’s a fight in Shurima.
BILGEWATER SUMMONERS: Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
BILGEWATER SUMMONERS: Alright, guys. Last round and then we’re signing up for Shurima.