Bandle City Psycho
This is a Beyond the Battlefield story, set shortly after the Shon-Xan storyline.
I live in the Happy Friends Building on West 18th Street in Bandle City. My room’s on the third floor, which is the most expensive floor. Happy Friends has its own bakery, with a head chef whose cupcakes have been ranked first place in Valoran for the past six years, although I am sometimes concerned that the Sparklestar Bakery on 14th Street is catching up in the rankings.
My name is Teemo. I am 27 years old.
I believe in taking care of myself, and a well-frosted diet, and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my paws are a little sore, I’ll wrap them in chilled blueflower compresses while doing my jumping jacks. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the compresses, I moisturize my paws with a softening moss balm. I always wait at least five minutes before handling anything, to ensure the balm soaks in fully.
After my exercises, I go for a swim. While in the water I scrub my face with a cleansing berry scrub containing little or no sunberry, because sunberry bleaches your fur and makes you look older. I rinse thoroughly, then shake off as much water as possible before resorting to a towel, with which I carefully pat myself dry. Only when I am completely dry do I apply first a coat-glosser and then a final moisturizing protective lotion.
There is an idea of a Teemo, some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my paw and feel soft fur snuzzled against yours, and maybe you can even sense we have similar tastes in baked goods, I simply am not there.
[…] We also observe that for but a handful of inedible coppers you can treat yourself to one of these delicious cookies, including some shaped in a most whimsical caricature of High Councilor Kolminye herself! They’re baked fresh here at the Institute by authentic Bandle City confectioneers from the Happy Friends Bakery. […]
The riff on American Psycho is hilarious.
Glad you liked it. It was fun to write.
[…] completely bare made me as lonely as a solitary yordle, I wrote up a light opening submission: Bandle City Psycho. This plays on one of my very favorite bits of surprising LoL lore: that Teemo, despite his cuddly […]