Valoranian News In Review

Valoranian News In Review

The Summoner’s Herald presents a selection of top stories from the best-read news sources in Valoran.

Viktor And Jayce To Unite For New Entertainment Program

By Cornelius Pridiam

In a rare, and in this reporter’s opinion, shocking display of good spirit, noted rivals Viktor the Machine Herald of Zaun and Jayce the Defender of Tomorrow of Piltover have announced a collaboration on a new entertainment program to be shown over all of Valoran. Utilizing one of the least mentioned, yet most purchased, innovations of this Hextech Revolution, the Teletech Image Rebroadcaster, the two scientists intend to work together to prove or disprove some of the most pressing and most trivial questions plaguing Valoran popular culture. I recently had a chance to sit with the two noted inventors to ask them about their new project.

Cornelius Pridiam: A pleasure to talk to the both of you about something notably less violent, frightening, and aggressive than usual.

Jayce: [laughs] But no less entertaining I hope?

CP: Now I have to admit, the two of you seem like the most unlikely duo to host an entertainment program that I could have thought of. What prompted you to set aside your differences in such a medium?

Viktor: ZAUNITE ADVANCEMENT HAS BEEN SO FAR MET WITH HOSTILITY AND FEAR. THE PEOPLE OF VALORAN SHOULD REALIZE: THE GLORIOUS EVOLUTION IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

Jayce: What he certainly means to say is that the Hextech Revolution has so far brought about a considerable amount of conflict and controversy that paint all science and innovation in a decidedly negative light. It is our duty as leaders of the scientific community to cultivate a warm and welcoming atmosphere around what we do.

CP: I’m sure that if the two of you can get along at least for the recording of a few episodes it would put a lot of people’s minds at ease. On that note, I am anxious to hear just what it is that the program will be focused on.

Jayce: Well to start with, it’s called Mythbreakers, and will revolve primarily around the two of us putting together scenarios from stories and myths and testing their validity. If we are able to replicate or confirm that the event in the myth could have occurred we will label it as ‘confirmed’, and on the other hand, if we cannot the myth will be ‘broken’.

Viktor: THAT IS CORRECT. ADDITIONALLY, EACH EPISODE CONCLUDES WITH A DEMONSTRATION OF A SUPERIOR, POST-HUMANOID DEMONSTRATING THE EASE WITH WHICH EACH SCENARIO COULD BE ACCOMPLISHED BY AN ADVANCED LIFEFORM.

Jayce: [Mouths:] He insisted.

CP: Could I convince you to share some of the myths you will be testing with our readers?

Viktor: IN FIRST EPISODE WE TEST THE DESTRUCTIVE MIGHT OF MY SUPERIOR WEAPONS AGAINST HIS INSUBSTANTIAL COMBAT ARMOR.

Jayce: [laughs] And I yours. That was a fun afternoon. And I think we both found some places where our protection could use some improvement. But not all of the episodes will be quite as violent or quite as close to home. For example in the second episode we are focusing on the stories surrounding one of the rising stars of the League, Braum.

Viktor: WE BOTH WERE INCREDULOUS THAT A PERSON WITHOUT SCIENTIFIC ASSISTANCE COULD ACCOMPLISH SUCH FEATS.

CP: I assume you won’t be telling me the results of that episode, will you?

Jayce: What, and spoil the show? We would never do such a thing.

Viktor: IN EPISODE WE RECORDED TODAY, WE ANALYZED THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THE FIGHTING TECHNIQUES OF OVERCONFIDENT DEMACIAN LEADERS GAREN AND JARVAN IV.

CP: I can only assume you are referring to ‘spin-to-win’ and ‘impassable terrain’?

Jayce: Of course.

CP: Well I just want to thank the both of you again for taking the time both for this interview and for putting together this program for us. Is there anything either of you still want to say?

Jayce: Only that I hope that everyone tunes in to watch the first episode of Mythbreakers. Trust me, you will be glad you did; I’m in it after all. [winks]

Viktor: I WISH TO REASSURE EVERYONE THAT JUST BECAUSE THE TWO OF US ARE COLLABORATING IN THIS ONE INSTANCE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I HAVE ABANDONED THE GLORIOUS EVOLUTION OR THAT THIS INFERIOR CONSTRUCT HAS FINALLY SEEN THE TRUTH.

Jayce: That’s right … Buddy?

Viktor: I DO NOT BECOME FRIENDS WITH THE FOOLISH.

CP: And on that note, I think I will let the two of you get back to your work.

While the program has little hope of in any way resolving the tensions that have recently flared across the continent, it is this reporter’s hope that it may provide some levity in the coming months. You can watch the first episode of Mythbreakers on the Teletech Image Rebroadcaster when it airs next month, but until then, the two hosts have asked you for suggestions for future myths for them to test. Could your idea be the genesis for the next episode? I’m still hoping they settle once and for all how all those swords amplify the damage of the many gun wielding members of the League.

Attack of the Bees! … sort of …

reported by Summoner Raptor
Reprinted with the permission of the Bandle City Teatime Journal.

BANDLE CITY, Yordle Land— Mayhem seized Bandle City on June 15, re-igniting discussion of the DFB crisis.

“It was a peaceful Bandle City day, just like any other,” says resident Yordle, Michael White, a chef famous for delicacies like his Banana Down-side Upcake, and his Strawberry–Chocolate Hybrid Muffins. “I was setting up for the grand reveal of my Honeycomb Donuts, the marvellous results of my latest food experiment, when I noticed an odd amount of bees,” Michael told our reporter.

However, these were not just any bees — these were the rare and vicious “Death’s Fang” breed. Death’s Fang Bees, or DFBs, are said to have enough poison in their stingers to incapacitate an adult horse for 5 hours and 28 minutes. “I assumed the bees were harmless, merely drifting towards the honeycomb,” Michael said, his voice shuddering from remembering the incident.

“And then, Veigar appeared…”

It turns out that Veigar was controlling the bees with his dark magic, giving him access to a powerful bee army. “It was PERFECT! I had them right where I wanted them!” says Veigar, perpetrator of the crime, and former Yordle Salesman. “I commanded my MIGHTY BEE HORDE to attack! AND THEY WENT TO THE STUPID DONUTS!”

It turns out the bees Veigar acquired from the markets of Zaun had been neutered, rendering them about as deadly as a regular honeybee. Veigar, in a fit of anger, kicked over a potted plant, destroyed a bench, and squashed one of the bees between the fingers of his (proportionally) enormous metal gauntlet. Unfortunately, as we all know, honeybees do sting. The swarm turned on Veigar, overwhelming the small Yordle with their poisonous stingers. Veigar was stung for about 3.142 seconds before being carried off by the bees.

The Bandle City Police Department (BCPD) later found Veigar stuck in a hive, covered in honey, at the top of a tree near the Mothership’s launch pad. Luckily, Veigar has healed, and was back on his feet after a day of rest. The villain was sent to sit in the corner for 30 minutes and lost his juicebox privileges.

“To see such barbarous acts of violence within our fair city, so soon after the invasion — Mothership preserve us! — of the undead monsters from Shurima, is deeply troubling,” commented Bandle City District Attorneyordle Beltar Summersmack. “No one who witnessed Veigar’s crimes could dispute the regrettable necessity of corner-sitting and the retraction of juicebox privileges. I am satisfied that justice was done.”

Inside The Noxian Civil War

by Cornelius Pridiam
Reprinted with the permission of the Noxian Record.
Please Note: As the gates of Noxus have been sealed shut, the Herald is unable to confirm the veracity of the information contained within this report.

The embattled Grand General of Noxus, Jericho Swain, emerged from the upper balconies of the Noxian High Command this afternoon to deliver a short speech to the demonstrators gathered around the building.

“True citizens of Noxus, stand strong against these pathetic worms. Those too weak to weather this fleeting defeat have no place amongst our society. All those still supporting the traitor Riven and her pitiful Reformist government after one hour, will be declared enemies of the state and will face the full wrath of its citizens. Whether by Noxian hands or by the welcome aid of our Zaunite allies, those who dare oppose Noxus and this High Command will perish.”

His words brought relief and enthusiasm to the large numbers of Noxian old-guards who either retreated to the relative safety of their homes or moved to reinforce the military forces around the city, while the Noxian Reformists responded by escalating their protest to new heights, starting fires and clashing with Noxian legionnaires in front of government and economic centers. Wary of creating martyrs and fueling the fires of rebellion further, the legionnaires battled back with clubs and diluted Hexatech Pacification Solution canisters, but as the given hour ticked by, precious few rioters left the throng, and more and more buildings went up in flames. With ten minutes left, Darius emerged from the citadel at the head of a column of the finest troops from the Noxian Sixth Legion clad in full body armor. There he stood glowering as some of the more timid rioters scampered off, wordlessly honing his blade. The city grew silent, save for hundreds of bated breaths, the crackles of countless unchecked fires, and the soft schink of Darius’ whetstone.

As the minutes dragged on, all eyes turned toward the clock mounted prominently upon the westernmost spire of the High Command citadel. With one minute left of the tense standoff, no more than a few dozen Reformists had fled and still several thousand stood armed with whatever weapons they could come up with. While the majority of the Reformists were civilian, many veterans of the Void War and the Shon-Xan Conflict joined their ranks. It was clear that the battle for the future of Noxus would be determined by Noxian blood flowing through the streets.

The bell in the clock tower chimed and the assembled eyes returned to Darius. He calmly returned his whetstone to a pouch at his side and raised his axe to the crowd, “You will regret opposing me!” He and the Sixth Legion marched into battle.

Though initial Reformist casualties were tremendous as the civilian element was cut down by the legion onslaught, the military core remained strong and continued to inflict severe damage. The city was plunged into chaos as the battle raged and spread. Block by block the scenes were varied; here the street was quiet under a blanket of Reformist corpses, there bold civilians were stripping fallen legionnaires for their weapons and armor in order to assist the advancing Reformist line, and all around the sights and sounds of battle could be witnessed.

In front of the northernmost barracks of the Noxian Second Legion, Draven the Glorious Executioner mowed down wave after wave of Reformist troops with style and flair. “Doesn’t get better than this,” he mused, catching an axe that had just rebounded off of some unfortunate Reformist. It was evident that the majority of his victims were, again, civilians who had managed to arm themselves, but Draven reveled in the carnage nonetheless. Presently, a contingent of Reformist troops moved in fresh from destroying the defenders of the Secondary Praetorian Armory. In his usual form, Draven asked the clearly more competent Reformists, “Who wants some Draven?” before getting another spinning axe ready.

Meanwhile, in front of the High Command citadel, Darius and his troops had been beaten back from their initial advance by the somehow swelling Reformist ranks in the square. An errant blade from an unknown source cut across Darius’ chest, managing to penetrate his thick armor. The wound, though not fatal, forced the Hand of Noxus to move back behind a line of legionaries. “Where are those damned Zaunite forces we were promised?” he bellowed.

“YOUR ARMOR IS WEAK AND INEFFECTIVE,” a metallic and reverberating voice called out over the fighting, “PERHAPS I COULD ASSIST YOU WHEN THIS INSURRECTION HAS BEEN PUT DOWN.” Viktor the Machine Herald materialized behind the legion line, a small device on his belt loudly whirring down. A localized warpgate by the look of it, and almost certainly a device reserved only for generals of the Hexkorp.

As if on cue, the ground began to shudder under the advance of some tremendous force and Zaunite tanks and zeppelins moved into the city. At once the sounds of steel clashing against steel were replaced by the high pitched screeches of laser beams and the thunder of explosions as Reformist troops were blown away all around the city. A cheer went up amongst the beleaguered legionnaires,

“VIKTORY FOR ZAUN! VICTORY FOR NOXUS!”

Return to Vol. I, Issue 1 of The Summoner’s Herald