Valoranian News In Review (Vol. I, Issue 2)

Valoranian News In Review

The Summoner’s Herald presents a selection of top stories from the best-read news sources in Valoran.

Mythbreakers: “Man vs. Machine” Review

Can the show live up to its hype?

by Cornelius Pridiam

Renekton and Nasus. Lucian and Thresh. Kayle and Morgana. The League is filled with hate fueled feuds which have played out viciously both on and off the Fields of Justice. Until recently, the noted and bitter rivalry between scientists and visionaries Jayce and Viktor would have seem in perfect company with the others listed above. Until recently, any time the two of them got together would end badly, generally after much blood and oil shed. But with the premier of the Mythbreakers pilot episode “Man vs. Machine” it has been made clear that truly wonderful things can come out of the furnaces of antagonism.

If the previous paragraph hadn’t already made clear, Mythbreakers is without a doubt the greatest show to have come onto the Teletech Image Rebroadcaster thus far. It seamlessly blends witty banter, burgeoning personal understandings and relationships, cool gadgets, along with inventive and interesting investigations into questions we have always had but have never been able to quite answer.

Missing from the advertising and promotional campaign for the show was mention that in addition to costars Viktor and Jayce, the cast of Mythbreakers also included the standout ‘B Team’ trio of Zac, Blitzcrank, and Orianna. Two robots and a synthetic organism may not seem like the liveliest of hosts for what is, at its heart, a comedy program, but their sections were among the highlights in an already exceptional episode. Blitzcrank’s perfect deadpan, Orianna’s charming naive curiosity, and Zac’s exaggerated bravado blend into true cinematic gold.

In this episode, Viktor and Jayce pitted the best of their technologies against one another in an effort to determine once and for all whose genius was greater. While opening the series with such an aggressive and divisive topic works wonders for highlighting the personalities and hosting techniques of cohosts Viktor and Jayce and also for building internal tension and anticipation for future episodes, I feel like this approach strayed perhaps a bit too far from the supposed focus on Myths for such an early outing. That said, the editing, camera work, and frequent hand-drawn comedic overlays and diagrams ensured that the action never ceased to be entertaining.

The exploration and investigation into Viktor’s Gravity Field and Jayce’s Acceleration Gate was particularly enjoyable. In what I must assume was the creative byproduct of a humorous accident over a lunch break, the cohosts tested the respective strengths of the two technologies by launching a ham sandwich through the gate and into the Gravity Field at varying distances. They then measured the displacement and deceleration caused by the Gravity Field when compared to an uninterrupted flight. The tests proved that both technologies were extremely effective in their respective tasks, but, much to the cohosts frustration and, I have to assume, amusement, did little to demonstrate that one was inherently better than the other.

The two then looked into the charging abilities of Jayce’s signature Lightning Field when compared to the draining powers of Viktor’s Power Transfer device. They brought in a powered mannequin which when fully charged would rapidly spin in place slapping the faces of anyone nearby, in this case Viktor himself, with its raised arms. To even the playing field, the mannequin’s battery began half-charged and were it to be depleted, an electromagnetic trapdoor beneath Jayce’s feet would give way plunging him headfirst into a comically oversized vat of lukewarm caramel sauce. Timecards between cuts reveal that this challenge took an impressively long time, and, though I won’t spoil the outcome, it ended uproariously.

Meanwhile, Zac, Blitzcrank, and Orianna tested the mutagenic capacity of Zaunite tap-water. Their experiment seemed close to being stopped before it could begin when a rather angry squid creature was partially flushed out of the water system as the trio was pouring their sample. Whoever in the staff decided to style the ensuing Steam Golem/Squid Thing battle as a classic pre-League wrestling bout complete with post-production title cards, slow motion, and cheesy voice overs deserves a salary boost; I have not laughed harder in an extremely long time.
After successfully wrestling the show’s impromptu pet into a massive floor-to-ceiling fish tank which featured prominently on the set for the rest of the episode, they ran the water sample through an impressive filtration and analysis system which almost immediately became impossibly clogged. When they finally were able to fix it and get their sample back, much of the system’s internal compartments were already heavily corroded. Orianna then remarked how strange it was that human beings could somehow survive drinking the water, and the remainder of the segment shifted gears into determining just what physiological adaptations allow Zaunites to survive their own environment. Though this could easily have turned into an uncomfortable environmental special, swift pacing and a wonderful guest performance by Zac’s adoptive mother as Test Subject #3 ensured the episode remained humorous and enjoyable.

“Man vs. Machine” was a fantastic start for Mythbreakers that has left me desperate for the release of the next episode. That said, I would like for future episodes to fit more closely with the theme of testing myths rather than testing technologies, which should be simple enough to do once enough audience suggestions have been gathered to film. I am excited to see whether Viktor and Jayce will find a way to bond or at otherwise warm relations as a result of the show, and am also interested in further exploring the unusual dynamics at play between the show’s more unique life forms.

In a fun after-credits scene, the cast stands in front of their new squidlike pet to announce that he will be a permanent addition to the show and to ask for audience suggestions for possible names and backstories for him. I myself sent in a suggestion of ‘Harold’, and look forward to seeing what name is finally chosen.
If you have not seen the Mythbreakers pilot, you owe it to yourself to. The future of entertainment has never looked brighter or more glorious.

Rating: 10/10 MASTERPIECE

The Voidling Behind the Eyeball

by Summoner RaptorAttacks

The Void: A horrifying landscape of hungry beasts, waiting to devour whoever steps close enough. So imagine the surprise when Vel’koz, a voidling that lacked a mouth, or a hunger to devour all that dares walk in a 25 metre radius of it, joined the League of Legends as a champion. We sent a reporter over to Icathia to interview Vel’koz, and we will be holding his funeral on the 7th of June. After we managed to scoop up all the mangled flesh, we invited the Eyeball to come to us, rather than send some more meat to feed the army of gargantuan void beasts.

Reporter: Thank you for joining us…. Sir?
Vel’koz: I prefer the term “Overlord”
R: Alright then…. So, “Overlord”, what would you describe as your best trait?
Vel: Lasers.
R: What about your eternal thirst for knowledge?
Vel: Do not question me fleshling.
R: What would you say your favourite activity is?
Vel: Searching for knowledge.
R: What about lasers?
Vel: No. Knowledge. Final Answer. And what did I say about questioning your Overlord, Human?
R: Ok, Ok! So, what would you describe as y-
Vel: I signed up for an interview, not a dating show. Begin the interview, stop with the questions, or else.
R: Or… What?
Vel: I will deconstruct your organic structure, starting with the Esophagus, then moving towards the lungs.
R: That doesn’t sound so b-

For the sake of you, the reader, we will not describe to you the horrific mutilation that has transgressed during this section of the interview.

Vel: I am afraid you may experience trouble guiding food towards your stomach starting today.
R: *Gibberish*
Vel: It appears Human.exe has stopped walking. Time to deconstruct the broken mesh of flesh and bone.

Well, here at the Summoners Herald, we have learnt a Valuable Lesson: It’s not the size of the eyeball – it the amount of lasers it can fire. We will be holding the funeral of our reporter as soon as we can find all the pieces of him.

Zaunite Summoners Delve Into Sewers

An Interview with Summoner Hallos

In a rather controversial turn of events, Summoner Hallos and several other summoners have petitioned the council for funding, the reason, a Zaunite sewer expedition. Hallos has stated: “There is sufficient evidence that a mycoid species of sentient life, ‘mushroom people’ if you will, exist right under Zaun in our sewers. This expedition could prove to be truly revolutionary!” Besides the manic claims of fungus people and something Hallos calls “the Based Mushroom,” he also hinted at a tertiary motive for the expedition: “Zaun’s dumped all sorts of waste and refuse into its sewage system. Chemicals mix and react, sometimes creating things truly unique, such as the renowned champion Twitch. This expedition could indeed help our fair rodent find the correct combination of chemicals that he needs to create his own race of rat people.” Summoner Hallos indicated that he anticipated this would be a positive development.

As of this report’s publication, Summoner Hallos has received two small grants from Waste Dumpers Inc. — one to outfit the expedition, and another to purchase the disgusting garbage necessary to buy entrance from Twitch.

A Message To The Void

from Summoner Anarchist

You once told me that the end of this world is inevitable.  An outburst of madness in the afterglow of a wonderful evening, most would call it, but I understood then – and understand now – the agonized sincerity of your words. The people of Runeterra vilify you for your own suffering, unwilling to see the goodness in your intentions – the pureness of heart that I see even now so very clearly. Yes, you seek to bring about the end of things, but given the steadily increasing leak of void forced into our plane of existence, that you try to make the end swift is a mercy I am acutely aware of.  I may join my fellow Zaunites in resisting to the last, but I am nonetheless appreciative.

I’ve always known the void was your calling. I knew it when you walked through the Institute doors and I knew it when we formed our summoning partnership behind my office doors.  I knew it when you smashed through the doors to my heart, and now, at the doors of the apocalypse… I still know it.  I know it still and it changes nothing.  If I could spend my last day of existence with you, it would never matter.  Passion had a way of making even the most daunting facts seem trivial, and so long as you walk this world beside me, I’ll embrace your voidborne end.

I submit this plea not to turn you to the cause of Runeterra or drive you from the void — I know I never could. But opposing factions does not necessitate personal opposition and this distance you put between us kills me far swifter than the void ever could.  So I call to you, my love, for you are my sole purpose in life. You are my void, driving me onwards. Fate may place you on the warpath against my people, but please… Just find me.  The world might burn tomorrow, but if I could have you by my side, in my arms… I would be content. The world’s end does not have to be our end.  We can still be, Malzahar.

We can still be.

Groundbreaking New Field of Study Revealed In Zaun!

An Excerpt from the Lectures of Summoner W.996, Professor of Extradimensional Physics

Zaunite scientists were in an uproar today after Summoner Wizard996, quite eccentric in how he insists 996 is the key to the universe, showed how examining the Delta Rift with a [REDACTED] capacitor revealed that there existed a space in between the 3rd and 4th Dimensions. Within this 3.5 Dimension, fluxes occur that allow Gods and the Void to shift into this world, and by applying a Rubidium based elemental converter, theses fluxes could be manipulated, reducing the efficiency of power that these otherworldly beings could exercise while on this plane of existence. The exact process requires the exact timing of the converter, while the Delta Rift is [REDACTED], and increasing the frequency to [REDACTED] to allow [REDACTED] within to [REDACTED]. Of course, this will later be edited, as such knowledge is exceedingly dangerous, and this process must be taken with extreme caution, and even the Zaun Imperium recognizes the potential risk of untrained people getting their hands on such valuable knowledge. However, it has now been revealed that the unsafe practices performed in this breakthrough have been evaluated by the League to be extraordinarily reckless and at times inhumane, going further into why Zaun was so heavily sanctioned. To quote one Zaunite summoner on these sanctions, the retired Lord General Darkbreaker E.X. proclaimed, “CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE ABILITY TO PUNCH GODS IN THE FACE.
30 June, 24 CLE.


Return to Vol. I, Issue 2 of The Summoner’s Herald

 

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