This post kicks off the intermission period following the Shon-Xan storyline.
A New Chairman
by Montesque64 (edited by Agrofox and CupcakeTrap)
This update primarily concerns that last one. I assure you, Mundo, you will pay for this.
Oh, you will pay.
The door to the Undersecretary’s office banged open.
“Sir, we have a major problem!” said the young Summoner, eyes wide with panic.
The Undersecretary of Factional Affairs, the Hon. Sum. Cupcake Trap, looked up disinterestedly from his paperwork. “No, I’m sorry, problems will not be permitted at this juncture.”
“But, sir, the Council has just met to confirm your position once again…” the junior Summoner trailed off, obviously reluctant to continue.
The Undersecretary’s look sharpened, and he leaned forward over his desk. “Yes, they have, just as they have every year for the past twenty, with no disruptions, issues, or problems of any sort.”
“Yes sir…well…there are reports of a strange gas being pumped into the meeting chamber, and by the time we could get them out, their votes had already been cast, and finalized, and as you know the votes are magically binding and…well…”
The Undersecretary’s eyes narrowed. “What are you telling me, Montesque? Did they elect someone else? Who was it?!”
“There will be changes! First, viewership am down, and people think you boring! All Summoners required to wear polka-dot robes now!”
“But, sir, you don’t have any say in the Summoner’s Dress Code,” a harried looking Summoner tried to interject.
“Sir? Sir?!? Mundo am DOCTOR! Mundo did not spend hour writing own medical degree to be disrespected by Summoner 1!”
“Mundo doesn’t like. You am now Summoner 1. And Factions am getting too boring. Mundo needs to shake things up. That am why Summoners elected Mundo, after all!”
Summoner 1 shook his head ruefully. He couldn’t remember what exactly had happened in the meeting chamber when the vote for chairman had come up, but he felt that that was not, in fact, the reason Mundo had been elected as chairman of Factional Affairs.
Mundo considered for a moment, and Agrofox noticed that, contrary to all known laws of physics and nature, steam did indeed begin to leak from the purple brute’s ears. “Mundo knows! First, Factions am messy! Lines on map dumb system. Mundo decrees that for until further notice, Factions am Blondes vs. Brunettes!” The purple brute proudly handed Summoner 1 a piece of paper with the new Factions’ rosters scribbled on it.
Brunettes: Ahri, Akali, Caitlyn, Darius, Draven, (Mundo not competing, would not be fair) Fiora, Gangplank, Garen, Graves, Irelia, Jayce, Karma, LeBlanc, Lee Sin, Leona, Lucian, Morgana, Nidalee, Master Yi, Tryndamere, Sivir, Vayne, Xin Xhao, Yasuo, Nasus.
Blondes: Ezreal, Heimerdinger, Janna, Lux, Orianna, Olaf, Udyr, Yorick , Ashe, Annie, Corki, Diana, Gragas, Katarina, Miss Fortune, Poppy, Rengar, Riven, Sejuani, Teemo, Tristana, Varus, Vladimir, Zilean, and Zyra.
“Um…sir? AH, Doctor!…Um, I feel I need to point out that…”
Mundo held up a hand. “Stop! Mundo am wise, and expected that Summoner 1 would have questions. So it am time for Mundo’s Frequently Asked Questions!” As he announced this, dancing beams of light surrounded him, as the Doctor posed proudly in front of them. Confused, Agro looked around, and spotted LeBlanc standing behind the new Chairman.
She shrugged. “It’s a living.”
Summoner 1 looked back to Mundo. “Alright, Doctor. Why is Ashe on the list for the blondes? She very plainly has white hair.”
Mundo looked down at the summoner with a look of disgust. “Mundo am surrounded by incontinence. It am Mundo’s Frequently Asked Questions. Summoner must ask question frequently for to be answered.”
Summoner 1 blinked slowly. His head was beginning to throb unpleasantly. “Right. So…Why is Ashe with the blondes? Why is Ashe with the blondes?”
As he asked the third time, Mundo grinned happily and responded. “That am easy question. Blonde am big category, ask any hair-person. There am regular Blonde, like squishy light-girl…” an image of Lux appeared, provided by LeBlanc’s illusions, “…and then there am platinum blonde, like cold arrow-girl…” an image of Ashe, “…and strawberry blonde, like prickly plant-girl,” accompanied by an image of Zyra.
So, redheads and those with white hair count as blonde, Summoner 1 gathered. “Alright…that….almost makes sense, sir…er…Doctor! What about those without hair? I notice many of them are not on the list.”
Mundo raised an eyebrow at the summoner, who sighed and repeated his question twice more.
“Mundo notice many champions, like icky Void-bugs and creepy Sword-man…” images of the voidspawn and Aatrox, “…No have hair. Also some bald…” a picture of Singed, looking dejected. “These champions am not trying hard enough. Mundo am no accepting low effort. From now on, if champion wants to be in League, Champion must grow hair! That am Mundo’s final word.”
“Alright…Doctor.” The throb was growing stronger, and Summoner 1 was beginning to feel the distinct need to go and have a lie-down as soon as possible. “Well then, I notice some of the champions, such as Swain, are not on your list even though they appear to have some hair of an appropriate color. Why?” He asked thrice.
“Mundo am busy man. If champion’s hair am not obvious at first glance in champion’s official portrait, Mundo cannot be responsible for hunting every follicle! Hair am not secret! Champions should be proud of hair, like Mundo am of Mundo’s amazing hair!” The purple brute whipped his head about, showing off what Summoner 1 had to admit was truly admirable glossy, black hair.
“Alright, but what if…”
Mundo placed a massive hand over Summoner 1’s head, engulfing it completely. “That am enough questions. Summoner 1 go now, do as Mundo pleases, yes?”
Suddenly very aware of the comparative fragility of the human skull, Summoner 1 nodded slowly.
Mundo smiled, his massive teeth now inches from the Summoner’s face. “That am good. Go now.”
Summoner 1 scurried off. The other summoners were going to hate him, his head was throbbing worse than ever, and he felt that if he didn’t get a chance to lie down soon, the events of the day might actually make him go mad. The Summoner formerly known as Agrofox buried his head in his hands. It was going to be a long, long week.
Images are from the LoL wiki; I believe they are Riot’s.